tired of life
by ghizi
Summary: Spencer has a breakdown after his confession in 7x06 "epilogue".
1. Chapter 1

Spoilers: 7x 06 'epilogue'.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the following characters and italics are part of the episode's real storyline.

_HOTCH: "If this UNSUB is so obsessed with death then Jake Shepherd was the perfect person to talk to, he'd been there and back again"_

_MORGAN: "But come on guys, gentle lights, shadowy figures. Those are the lights in the Emergency Room and the Doctors hovering over the patients, we all know that. No one actually sees the 'afterlife'"_

_REID: "__**I did! …Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me I had that exact experience and I wasn't in an emergency room, I was in a shed"**_

_MORGAN: __**"Reid, you never told me that**__"_

_REID: "I'm a man of science, I, I didn't know how to deal with it, there's no quantifiable proof that god exists and yet, in that moment I was faced with something that I couldn't explain… still can't"_

_HOTCH: "What if this UNSUB has had a similar experience… and this is his way of looking for answers?"_

_ROSSI: "If that's the case, why kill Jake Shepherd? Why not just talk to him?"_

_PRENTISS: "He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before"_

_JJ: "Once isn't enough?"_

_PRENTISS: "Not if Jake didn't see the same thing the UNSUB did, he wants to know if the experience can change, I can relate to that"_

_PRENTISS: "…Reid felt a warmth and saw a light, when I coded in the ambulance all I felt was cold and darkness… And I would like to think that there's a different future waiting for me"_

_REID: "__**You actually died**__?"_

_REID: "__**You actually died**__?"_

Prentiss paled, unable to answer Reid's question. Morgan unbelievably stared at reid.

Reid was hurt. Room was quite until Reid started to talk.

"I don't know what to do, should I feel sad because I was close to losing a friend? Oh, I forgot" he walked toward JJ and stared in her eyes "I cried my eyes out for 2 weeks and you were there all the time." JJ was trying to look away but Spencer grabbed her chin and shook her head "look at me and tell me did you even considered telling me the truth? JJ's eyes glazed with tears. Spencer let go of her and turned around to face everyone else in the room.

"I was this close to relapsing, all this years I've tried to stay clean because I thought about you guys."

"You know what? I'm happy …"

"I feel better knowing that it all wasn't a lie, but I have a problem with you not staying dead …"he was cut off by Morgan's fist. Morgan raised his hand again but reid didn't wait for the second punch and stormed out of the room.

Morgan stood frozen in the middle of the room. Prentiss was the one who broke the heavy silence.

"It's my fault he feels like this I think I deserve that punch more than he did"

Morgan ran out of the room to find Reid. He found Reid.

"Reid I'm sorry I wasn't thinking …"Spencer cut him off.

"You know, I didn't expect that from you of all people, I thought you care, I counted on you to be there for me after all of this, I was wrong.

I can't take this anymore, I survived all of this because I thought you love me but **you'll never even think **of me that way, for you I'm just a crazy socially awkward kid . I wish Tobias hadn't resuscitated me…"Morgan quickly cut him off.

"Pretty boy don't talk like that, everybody loves you even Hotch, I love you, you are my best friend …"reid stood up and started talking before running toward parking lot.

"I will never be anything more than a friend to you."

The team then gets a call: a woman and her son have gone missing.

_ROSSI: "How would he keep them dead longer, Reid?"_

_REID: "There's a saying in the medical community that "You're not dead until you're warm and dead" Colder water temperatures could lead to hypothermia which would offer the best chance for successful reanimation"_

_Garcia then calls. "A 16 year old boy was buried alive by his father, but escaped. Dad later died by his son's hand. That same son was also diagnosed with cancer. Seems as if the BAU team has found its man."__  
_

The BAU team arrives at the dock to find the unconscious mother. They then hear the boy scream "HELP!" The team races toward the source just as the teenage boy is taken down by Chase. Chase drags the teen into the water - and Hotch and JJ arrive with guns drawn.

_HOTCH: "Let him go"_

_CHASE: "I can't"_

_JJ: "You hurt him, you won't be alive long enough to know what he has to say"_

_CHASE: "I need answers"_

Reid and Prentiss arrived and reid puts his gun on the ground and starts walking toward chase .

"I can give you answers let the boy go and take me he can't give you what you need"

Morgan arrived in time to hear reid.

"what do you think you are doing reid?" reid was angry. he faced morgan and answered.

"It's none of your business. He wants answers and I have answers" he turns around and faces chase.

"Few years ago a man with multiple personalities kidnapped me and drugged me 'till I overdosed. When I died I felt a warmth and saw a light and faces of people that I love , I started walking in the lights direction but before I reach it I was brought back to life, if there's anyone that can give you answers it's me ."

Chase pushed the boy to the ground then jumped and grabbed Reid's neck and pressed the knife to it.

_HOTCH: "There are no answers, Chase. Nobody gets to know what happens when we die, that's why people have faith"_

_CHASE: "Faith in what? My life has been one nightmare after the other"_

_HOTCH: "What happened to you as a boy wasn't fair, but neither is this. Let him go"_

"I need answers!" chase screams and loosen his grip on Spencer. Morgan acts fast and takes the chance and fires his gun, aiming for chase's head but Spencer pushes chase back fast and they both fell into the lake.


	2. Chapter 2

Bubbles started coming to the surface of the lake from where Spencer and chase were struggling to swim up. Before anybody could react Derek Morgan jumped in the lake and started looking for Spencer.

Suddenly he saw chase who was trying to carry Spencer's limp body to the surface but he was too weak. He hurried and hooked his arms around Spencer's waist and took chase's shoulder and pulled them up.

He reached the surface and let go off chase, Prentiss pulled chase out of the lake and cuffed him. "You're under arrest."

Morgan put his other arm under Spencer's knees and held him above the surface. As soon as he brought Spencer to the surface he noticed a bloody hole on his pale neck. He felt guilty first he hit Spencer and now the bullet he fired was logged in his body threatening to take his life. If something happens to Spencer he's going to kill himself. Even thinking about life without Spencer made him sick.

When he put Spencer on the ground Hotch quickly came over and put his head on Spencer's chest.

"He's not breathing"

Morgan didn't hesitate and put his mouth on Spencer's and pinched his nose and breathed life into his body and Hotch started doing compressions on Spencer's fragile chest. Spencer's body was cold as ice and this made Hotch hopeful. Hotch kept doing compressions while Morgan kept stroking Spencer's face and begging him to wake up. Hotch could feel Spencer's ribs cracking under his hands. Morgan breathed in his mouth again and started crying once he realized his friend was really dying and he couldn't stop himself from thinking that **he killed his friend **who he was madly in love with but refused to accept, and did his best to hide .

Suddenly Spencer started coughing and gasping loudly as the blood started flowing in his veins again. The nasty wound on his neck started bleeding. He was struggling to breathe but every time he inhaled he swallowed more blood instead of getting air in his lungs. He started coughing and spitting blood on Morgan who now was holding him tightly in his arms trying to take away the pain. Hotch quickly ripped his shirt off and put it on Spencer's neck to stop the bleeding. When the ambulance arrived Spencer was barely conscious. One of the paramedic patted Morgan on the shoulder.

"Sir, can you put him on the stretcher? He's losing blood we should take him to a hospital or we'll loose him." Morgan was staring at Spencer without blinking the paramedic tried to pull Spencer out of his grip but he held him tighter like his life depended on him. The paramedic who was taking Spencer's vital faced his partner. "His blood pressure is too low he's hypothermic and he is barely breathing with a lung full of blood and water he needs immediate blood transfusion or..." Hotch screamed morgan's name and begged him to do what he's told but Derek was in another world thinking what's happening why of all people this should happen to Spencer why did he do this to Spencer he was roughly pulled back into real world by Hotch's slap "what's wrong whit you morgan are you trying to kill him?"

Derek followed the paramedic and slowly put Spencer on the stretcher .Spencer slowly opened his eyes Derek took Spencer's cold hand between his hands and kissed his fingers. "I'm sorry; I don't know what's wrong with me, I deserve to die for all I did, but I swear I will do anything make it right." Spencer took the oxygen mask off and started talking with a raspy voice . "None of this is your fault I was like a selfish, immature…"he started coughing up blood. Spencer gave him a weak smile before the paramedic put the oxygen mask on his mouth.

"Are you coming with us?"Morgan hopped in the back of the awaiting ambulance without saying a word. He started stroking Spencer's wet hair when he suddenly noticed Spencer's lips were turning blue. Suddenly the machines connected to Spencer started beeping and Spencer lost consciousness.

"o2 stats are dropping we should intubate him." the other paramedic pulled Spencer's head back to insert the tube. When the tube reached the correct place Spencer's chest started going up and down mechanically .Spencer weakly squeezed Morgan's hand. Morgan squeezed back. Spencer woke up again.

"Spencer look at me." Spencer blinked trying to focus on Derek's face.

"we're gonna be there in 5 minutes." Driver announced.

"It's gonna be alright." Spencer shook his head and machines started beeping erratically. "Spencer, I … I **love you** ." But Spencer was unconscious before hearing the 3 Decisive words he was waiting to hear all this time. Paramedics started hovering over Spencer and moments later one of them started shouting.

"He's in V-tach get the paddles."

**A/N: should I continue? Please review**.


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